What Good Is A Life With No One To Share?

Today, you could say that I am having a Shang-Lo kind of day. I can’t really explain why, but something has made me take a step back to evaluate my life and the choices that I am making… and more importantly, how my choices are affecting my life (presently and for the future).  Before I left for China nearly a year ago, someone told me that I was about to embark on an adventure of a life time that was going to change every fiber of my being forever – mind, body and soul. They told me that I was being blessed with an opportunity that was going to set me apart 99% of the people that I knew and loved and that my relationships would never be the same. Of course, I knew that I was about to begin an incredible adventure and I hoped that it was going to change me, but I didn’t want it to draw me apart from the people that I care about most…I pushed the idea to the back burner and never gave it much thought. Now, nearly a year later, those words are burning in the front of my brain.


To think of myself as a world traveler just sounds insane to me. In all honesty, I have not traveled the world… I have barely even touched a sliver of it, but some would consider me a world traveler. For some people, traveling is just not in the hand they were dealt – no money, no time, a family to raise, a career or school – whatever the reason, they accept it. I don’t think anyone ever really plans to NOT travel, but it’s just more difficult for some and they accept it. Others are fortunate to spend their entire lives traveling the world; climbing to the heights of the most beautiful places on earth, discovering untouched islands and swimming through world landmarks. Me? Well I am somewhere in the middle…


Where I am most blessed is that I am not only vacationing abroad, but I have the opportunity to live abroad, learn a new language, and submerge myself in a culture that could not be more different than my own. I am living a life that will never be thoroughly expressed through any amount of pictures or the best written blog, and until you walk in my shoes, you may never understand. I state this not to be snooty, although I am sure that’s how it comes across, but to speak the truth. Suddenly, it is all starting to make sense to me…


The more time I spend in Shanghai, the greater the distance grows from Michigan. When I first arrived in Shanghai, my Skype was ringing off the hook constantly! I spent nearly every moment not at working chatting with friends and family – Skyping, emails, and facebook. Sure, it was difficult, but we made it work. Although I was 10,000 miles away, I still felt connected somehow to my former life in Michigan. I wanted to tell people my stories and people wanted to hear them. I wanted to know all the drama of Hartland and I wanted to be included at my family functions. I didn’t think it would change, but like everything else, it did.


Now, I could go an entire week without talking to a single person back home. I am lucky to catch my mom or my sister once a week for an hour or so. Aside from them, I am lucky to get a facebook message from even my best friends. I would be lying if I said that I don’t miss people, or miss my life. My heart breaks to think that people have forgotten about me, or that people just don’t care anymore, or at least don’t care enough to put forth any effort.  It breaks my heart even more to think that the choices I am making to better my life is what is pushing people farther and farther away from me, while I try to cling on to a life that I left behind, and savor the friendships with people whom I abandoned. I have come to realize that I can’t expect my former life to sit idle while I play around the world, but I hate the feeling that I have turned down a different road that will never meet up again… because I made the decision to turn.  


I can’t say that I don’t blame people for not wanting to talk to me – my life is pretty boring, just like everyone else. I wake up, walk to work, teach, walk home, make dinner, work out, go to bed, repeat…On the weekends, I hang out with friends, go to bars, just like everyone else. Aside from the occasional trips out of the city, my life is mind-numbingly routine. Sure, all of that is done while living in Asia… but to be honest, it’s not exciting, interesting or invigorating… it is just my life, yet still, this detail sets me apart from my family and friends and has created a gap that I fear is too vast for a bridge. I feel like an outsider, stranded on an island waving to the party on the mainland, screaming, “I am over here! Don’t forget about me! Skype me so I can pretend that I was there!”


Don’t get me wrong, I am still enjoying myself in Shanghai. I know how blessed I am and I am trying to soak up every opportunity before my time runs out, but you wouldn’t believe how lonely it is. I am thousands of miles away from everyone I care about (who care about me), and exploring the world by myself.  I have friends that I travel with and we have a blast, but we are friends of circumstance. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t care about the people that have become my family in Shanghai, but they are not my family and they are not my best friends. Even on the most amazing adventure with the best people I know in Shanghai, my heart always aches as I think, wow, my mom would love this! Or, I wish my best friend was here to do this with me! I envy the people that are traveling with their family, their friends, or their spouses because they have people to share this incredible experience with. Me? I soak it all up alone, and go home hoping to catch someone on Skype so that I can feel connected to my former life again, and still it makes me feel more isolated than ever. What good is a life, with no one to share?


My best friend just moved into a new apartment, my brother just built a brand new house for his family and my sister is pregnant and planning a wedding… I should be buying housewarming gifts, planning a baby shower, a wedding shower and a bachelorette party, but instead, I am on the other end of facebook typing, I can’t wait to see pictures. Let me know how it goes! I hate that the most common phrase in my vocabulary is I miss you and all because I wanted  to see the world!


Aside from all that, I need people in my life, not just any people, but my family and my friends. It is not easy living overseas alone. I am sure that you are probably think, my God, you have got to be kidding? Get a massage and suck it up! I am actually pretty certain that is what I would be thinking… but in all honestly, it is difficult. People always told me that I was brave for going and that it was something that most people would never be able to do. I believe that is true. I am alone, living in a country that I know little about, that speaks a language that I barely understand, while learning how to do a job that I am probably too inexperienced to do. Now, more than ever, I need support and encouragement to give me the courage and strength to finish what I came here to do, yet I couldn’t feel more alone in my feat.  


Again, I keep circling back to my choices. This was my choice. I chose to pick up and leave it all behind, knowing that I was facing the world alone, knowing that I was going to change because of it, knowing the risks involved with being so far away. No one told me that it was going to be easy, but I prayed for courage and I will continue to pray for strength and that God will continue to lead my path...


Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.


Proverb 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will direct your paths.